How to become
Big Data Analytics expert

Bigdata And Hadoop

" Aligning stories with viewer's behaviour at Star TV"

Posted by: -Varun Mohanpuria

How to become Big Data Analytics expert Shortest handbook for Dummies

Behold, the insights of Big Data is with management, and it will dwell with them, and they shall be its people, and Big Data himself shall be with them, and be their God. And Big Data shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more pains, neither loss, nor failure, neither shall there be any more bankruptcies: for the former things are passed away.
Yes, the miracle is possible. You can become Expert of Big Data Analytics in 4 easy steps. Follow these commandments and be the favored child of Big Data.
Verse 01:01:01

“Be the carrier of God, deliver the sermons||”

To the favored, there is no context. Use as many profound quotes you can find. Damn their context and situation. Generalize them. For you only, we have gathered few gems below. Remember to quote them in every meeting:

• "Information is the oil of the 21st century, and analytics is the combustion engine."
Don’t bother about understanding it. Throw it in front when you want to show how passionate you are about analytics. Listeners will burn with smoke.
• "Big Data is not the new oil."
Beauty of contrasts! If someone else has quoted the first, use this to claim your throne back. Don’t forget to pause after this. Stare in eyes if someone dares to ask you to explain this.
• "Data is the new science. Big Data holds the answers."
This is best to use while selling your Big Data advice. Don’t believe the skeptics finance guys. They are the only one who has numbed people with numbers. Now, opportunity is yours, dump them with data.
• "Data matures like wine, applications like fish."
Path to human brain is through stomach. Our families have known it for ages. Now, apply this to in your business too. Replace fish with chicken or French fries, wine with cheese, depending on listener’s food habits.
• "If we have data, let’s look at data. If all we have are opinions, let’s go with mine."
Stamp of authority is also arrogance. Leaders are decisive, authority figures. It’s often one man teams in corporates. You can punch everyone in their face with this quote.
• “If you torture the data long enough, it will confess.”
Never mind, this speaks of human character rather than power of data. This will make eyes shine of your client or business leader. This is what many seek when they ask, “Get me data to support my strategy”. This is your mark of loyalty.
• “Without big data, you are blind and deaf and in the middle of a freeway.”
This will prove that world became intelligent only because of Big Data. Never mind the intelligence required to even create big data. After delivery of this quote, take pause and see people scared like deer.
• “Data by itself is useless, unless you derive meaningful insights from it.”
Your profoundness will shock your naysayers like a thunder strike. Your skeptics will burn in brightness of your insight. Obviousness increases the effect. After all, simplicity is greatness.
• “In God we trust. All others must bring data.”
This is the best weapon against any rational thought thrown on you. Data is our new God, others have to submit to our almighty.
• “Big data is like teenage sex.”
Another cool association, if food was not enough. Sex, that too teenage, sounds cool. It will make everyone want it; being teen again and sex!!
• “Actionable insights for customer orgasm”
Sex is cool. Just throw it with actionable. This will leave everyone gasping on your bravado.
• “Data is the steel, Analytics is the forge. If both are good you have a superb weapon as an output. If any one of them is bad, you’ll get killed in the battlefield.”
Repeat this quote twice; see the audience faces going red, muscles bulging, chest thumping primates feeling like a true warrior and ready to fight their own company to buy your analytics product or service.
• "I heard the opponents are using big data, please play with your left legs."
Recite this quote to snatch the thunder back from your opponent. It will prove that non-believers of Big Data are stupid. Verse 01:01:02

“Sprinkle the wise words everywhere||”

Keyword, keywords, keywords everywhere, doesn’t matter if they make sense. Here is the list of keywords related to Big Data Analytics. Make sure you recite or utter them 1000 times per day. Squeeze them anywhere, your Big Data grace will shine. Say it alone or combine them, power will only multiply.
Big Data, Data Analytics, Data Science, Actionable Analytics, Machine learning, Algorithm, Algorithm engine, digital analytics, smart decisions, Smart data, Data based decision, New age analytics, Precise targeting, Deep Neural Network, Deep learning algorithm, random forest, Artificial Intelligence, Predictive engine, Predictive Analytics, Optimization, Scenario simulator, Regression, Segmentation, K-means, clustering, CHAID, CART, Real time analytics, Unstructured data, Hadoop, Pig, Hive, MongoDB, Python, NLP, Intelligent decision automation, personal analytics, mobile analytics, data driven business, dark data, Marketing Mix Modeling, Decision tree, Geospatial Modeling, design of experiment, A/B testing, Logistic model, … [List goes to infinity. Please don’t feel disheartened if your favorite word has not appeared here, just mention it in comments]..
Addition from comments: R, SAS, Genetic Algorithms and Bayesian Analytics..
Verse 01:02:03

“Numb them with power of Numbers||”

Trying to be inclusive for 50% of human population, else, it would have been, “Studs throw Statistics.” In trial of this concept, scientists found that 86.32% readers showed 210% jump in interest when statistics was used in content. As our avid follower, Trump proclaimed, “Do you really expect me to check every damn statistics?” Have full faith in human laziness.
Verse 01:02:04

“Fake it till you make it||”

To the favored, there is no reality. In the land of ignorance, fake your Passion and Confidence. These are the only two angels visible to poor heathen eyes. The effort and sweat you had put in your drama classes, it is time to put those skills in practice.
End of verses||
If your face is brimming with smile on this onslaught then your curiosity has still survived and openness healthy. Congratulations. :)


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